The Things I’ve Seen

“I did not tell half of what I saw, for I knew I would not be believed.” - Marco Polo on his deathbed, 1324, apparently? Uncharted said so.

“I have discovered a truly marvelous proof of this, which this margin is too narrow to contain.” Pierre de Fermat, though that was about maths.

Today I want to talk about Epic Universe, Universal Orlando Resort’s latest theme park. If you are completely spoiler averse, definitely skip this one. I’m not going to go wild, and frankly, I’m probably going to focus on the less popular things, but still—minor spoilers. And no shame: I intentionally avoided as much as I could about the park. You don’t get a brand new park that often, and I’m not getting younger. At least, that’s what my doctor says. There’s only so many parks I get to walk into with fresh eyes. I certainly won’t blame you if you want to skip this one.

A Brief* Property History

Before the property was developed for Epic Universe, it was owned by someone else. Well, half-true, because before it was owned by someone else it was owned by Universal again. Then before that it was owned by Lockheed Martin, at least a good bit of it. Of course, all of this succeeds the Seminole who were originally inhabiting much of Florida, particularly the area where we find Orlando today. For the temerity to not have deeds and a Rectangular Survey system, of course, settlers came with guns and we now have a city carved up amongst many different owners, and so many deeds to go along with it.¹

Anyway, Lockheed Martin sold a heckin’ chonk of land to Universal City Property Management Company (UCPMC) in December 1998. I was able to find this deed but I didn’t map out the boundary nor was I able to confirm the parcel IDs. When I tried, the first one hit on the north end of the property. Then they were all over the place, with sales histories that didn’t match, and finally parcel numbers just wouldn’t come back.²

If you were subscribed for the last email on the Berlin Wall (well, that and the Hard Rock Cafe Orlando) you may remember that this was about the time Universal Studios was going full bore into the Universal Resort Orlando. Universal CityWalk Orlando and Universal Islands of Adventure would open in 1999, and the Japan resort would open in 2001. There was a lot of appetite for expansion. From what I can see on both current property records and what was clear from the limited plats, it looks like they planned to expand broadly along Universal Boulevard.³

Unfortunately, this was not a great time for the industry, or property in general. The “dot-com bubble” in 2000-2001 was not technically a recession, but had some rather large impacts across the board. It killed any remaining appetite for the Universal City Project, ending what would have been a very stout run at Walt Disney World’s scale. Already in 1998 they were making small deals, such as selling land for the Orange County Convention Center (OCCC)⁴

The story takes a weird turn here: in 2004, Universal City Property Management Company started divesting from this massive chunk of land. Stan Thomas was the common name behind this, a property manager from Georgia. Fourth Quarter and later SLRC Holdings. SLRC Holdings was merged back into UCPMC effective May 31, 2019, and Universal was once again owner of…a good bit of the land they sold off. Thomas had a few other small projects over those 15 years. I’m surprised more wasn’t developed given the location of the land, but there was probably more going on with this deal that isn’t in the public record. Thomas himself seems to be an interesting character, but he’s not the topic of this issue so go DuckDuckGo him if you want to follow this chain further. I’m going to drop a lot of key records in the references, but it’s not a complete chain of events. I realized this is a hobby, I’m not a journalist, and frankly the history isn’t even what I wanted to talk about! I just fell into this rabbit hole, and I’m climbing out.

Anyway, Universal pays at least $3 million in property taxes annually on what might have been partially used for missile testing and is part of a wastewater management easement, a property that was just…held vacant for decades, and that’s where you go to hang out in Universal’s latest park. Now we can tumble down then up through the actual rabbit hole I intended to fall into.

Right, Epic Universe

Universal Epic Universe is something else. It's a theme park for sure, but it has some interesting themes. It has a theme without a property. Young kids aren't unwelcome, but many of the themes don't cater to young kids and you'll probably be hard pressed to find a lot of things they'll ride. Epic has a concept of portals between worlds, with a story that ties the whole park together into a unified whole. The only thing I'd say that really doesn't distinguish it from other theme parks, especially those in Florida, is that despite decades of evidence that the sun is hot⁵ there's not a lick of shade to be found. Like I said, Universal Epic Universe is something else, in that it's a thing not quite like the other things.

A lot of YouTube hours have been consumed on four of the themed worlds in Epic Universe: Super Nintendo World, How to Train Your Dragon—Isle of Berk, Dark Universe, and the Ministry of Magic⁶ . Not spoken of much, though well represented on Universal’s site, is the fifth themed world: Celestial Park. It’s often described as the park’s hub, as it’s where you enter, but it is a themed world on its own. It’s also a critical part of the deep lore. Celestial Park was the nexus of exploration. Travelers would come to Celestial Park to hop a ride on comets and travel to far-flung worlds such as the four themed worlds above. Clever engineers learned to harness the power of stardust to build portals to these worlds. Celestial Park serves as a hub (not a hub!), where these portals let you travel to your adventures in an instant. With stardust power left over, these engineers built attractions such as Stardust Racers. For a hint on the identity of one of the clever engineers involved in this triumph of technology over fantastic whimsy, look no further than the rear of the Stardust Racer vehicles: there’s a Flux Capacitor.

Yep! Dr. Emmet Brown is back, baby!

Of course, you wouldn’t know any of this by going to the park…except the Flux Capacitor thing, if you were observant. Epic Universe demands you know the stories in advance, and does not hold your hand as you go through them. That’s quite possible with the big four themed worlds, but that’s really hard when there’s no existing Intellectual Property (IP) for Celestial Park. What’s your reference point? You get a small nod to Dr. Emmet Brown, which I guess serves to wrap up the ending to Back to the Future Part III 35 years later?⁷

It’s a missed opportunity, but not nearly as maddening as the Ministry of Magic. The portal takes you not only across space, but across time, to 1927 Paris. This is the setting of Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald, the second Fantastic Beasts movie, and it is a very well done land. I hear the shortest building there is taller than the tallest building in Diagon Alley - that’s hard to believe until you see it. Now, there’s nothing for you to do on these higher floors of course. But hey, it looks incredible. There’s a magic circus which I’m told is a great show, then there’s the Battle at the Ministry attraction, the flagship attraction for the park. $950 million was spent on it to whisk you through the Metrofloo…back to the 1990s, and back to London. Why? Is there really nothing to say about magic in 1920s Paris? And for a world where so much time chicanery takes place, good luck finding anything related to a Time Turner. It’s a key concept, embedded into the land’s portal, but it seems like they’ve basically hidden them away otherwise. What’s the story here? Where’s the through line? Maybe there’s a connection between Grindelwald and Umbridge that I just don’t know—I’ll be honest I’m not really deep in the lore here, but…what a massive lost story opportunity, and a lot of cash burned to not get there.

Isle of Berk is probably the largest and well lived in (lots of ambient characters), with some great fire effects in the evening. Super Nintendo World is well done, immaculately lit, and the addition of Donkey Kong Country was a nice touch. Dark Universe is incredible, and as you might suspect, best at night. I’d say Monsters Unchained is probably one of the best rides in the park.

This is a theme (ahhh) that’s been nagging me though, nibbling at the back of my mind. This park, every world of it, just flat out looks better at night. This is a park that frankly, with the exception of their operating hours and how clocks work, you’d be best served to only ever visit in the evening or at night. With the possible exception of some of the narrow alleys of Paris, there’s no break from the sun during the day.⁸ But beyond that, the park is just better at night. It transforms into something else yet again, and it’s beautiful. I’d say that, if schedule allows, it’s really better to visit in Fall or Winter. The weather is better, and more importantly, you’ll get more evening and nighttime hours.

To that end, the Celestial Park is probably the most beautiful of the worlds at night. Dark Universe is incredibly well themed at night, but it’s definitely a different, horrific beauty. The Stardust Racers look incredible, as the ride vehicles themselves illuminate the sky like the comets that inspired them. Even better than the Stardust Racers, though, is the Constellation Carousel.

I know, probably not what someone’s expecting to hear, especially if you’ve been following the park. How can it be? Carousels, in various forms, seem to be one of our oldest rides. They hold a special, if not fading, place in Western cultures. I won’t go deep into this because I’ve already had several digressions, but these are special attractions even if they’re not the thing you usually rush to at a theme park.

Constellation Carousel is designed into the Celestial Park landscape, not just an attraction but a timeless piece of Celestial history. The ceiling is high and represents the night sky. You have a great view from everywhere, because the animal figures themselves (constellations) are on posts that only connect through the floor. The floor itself is made up of circles within a bigger circle, and many of the figures rotate on both. The bigger carousel circle and the smaller inner circles turn independently, and even go backwards. Most of the figures raise and lower, and they spin as well, also independent of the rest of the motions. All of these are choreographed to a various set of songs, and if you ride twice there’s a good chance you’ll have completely different experiences with different vibes. You’re not really riding a carousel, as much as you’re being led through a series of Celestial dances. You don’t need rhythm, you don’t need to remember any choreography, you just need to get on and be there for the experience. Really handy if you’re a terrible dancer and don’t learn choreography quickly.

It’s incredible, and even more so at night. One reason I do this newsletter is to write more, so I can find the words I need to get ideas out of my head. Sadly, I’m incapable of really conveying what I want to here. I’ll include some pictures, but they don’t do it justice either.

I was surprised to see a carousel in a new park. I had figured they were played out, low-impact relics easily accessible to children. Walt Disney thought a good carousel would bring young and old alike together, and that seemed to work for a while, but you don’t really see people get excited about the idea anymore. Why not? What’s so wrong about wanting to ride something that even your youngest child and oldest relative can enjoy along side you? With benches and considerate platforms, they can be very accessible these days as well. They’re whimsical, magical things. And look, I love a good thrill ride or three. But we might as a society have been a bit slow on the uptake of what carousels could be.

Each generation should be better off than the one before. Kids aren’t lazy or weak if they’re perceived as having it easier: we’re doing the right thing for giving them a better world. We can be jealous for leaving them something we would’ve loved to have, of course. That doesn’t make kids spoiled, though. It’s better for the world. Society has won when this happens! If we can build a better world for those who come after us, that includes better carousels. Universal nailed this one - a next level experience for young and old. They’ve brought carousels into the future. There’s definitely an equity issue in affordability, but the Constellation Carousel tells us that there are still people who care to make better things, to innovate and improve even the mundane. We can have a better world. We just need to build it.

Until Next Time

People are people, a statement that’s a truism and feels like I’m basically not saying anything. That’s the world I’d like to live in, but it’s still not yet the case. In the spirit of making the world a better place, I’m focusing on what I can do here to improve things. Kids in particular are vulnerable, and also, people. Harry Potter exists, and Universal makes themed lands with the IP. I can’t change that. Instead I’ve made a donation to The Trevor Project for this issue. It’s a good cause, and part of making a better world.

I’m not sure where we go next. These last two were real beasts to get through, an interesting challenge to pick when I’m trying to rebuild my momentum. I’m open to feedback on anything here that piques your interest, or I’ll be divvying up my backlog and start burning through a few of those. Maybe I need to take a diversion into carousels, or dig into Wisconsin Dells a bit? Anyway, thanks for reading this far, and if you’re enjoying it come back for more next time!

— Lou

References

• Universal Epic Universe—Celestial Park Lore

• Orange County Appraiser

• The Pre-History of Epic Universe

• Fun deeds and such:

  • SLRC Holding merged into Universal City Development Partners

  • Stanley Thomas, managing partner of Fourth Quarter

  • Fourth Watch kerfuffle (and document)

  • OCCC covenants against theme park imagery (and some amendments in 2000)

  • Industrial wastewater easement referenced on a deed

1  I suppose they do own Hard Rock Cafe International, which would cover the Hard Rock Cafe Orlando location (and maybe something with the Loews hotel), but that’s not comparable.

2  I was also able to find reference to this Hazardous Waste monitoring site on a deed in the area - a very small quantity generator of F006 Hazardous Waste, electroplating

3  Wikipedia says all of Universal Resort is now 1,291 acres, with the Epic expansion area (including hotels, undeveloped land, and future expansion) making up 750 acres of that. It looks like that’s peanuts compared to what Universal was going for at the turn of the century, with much more of Universal Boulevard in their pocket.

4  Interestingly, the OCCC deal had a covenant requiring no theme park imagery to be displayed on property, unless there’s a bona fide trade show. Universal seemed like it still had at least more theme park level appetite in 1998, even though Universal Islands of Adventure was less than a year away.

5  citation needed, apparently

6  Yes, yes, I know.

7  That infuriated me as a younger person. “Hey Doc, where you going now? Back to the Future?” (Hey, that’s the title!) “Nope, already been there!” YOU’VE ALSO BEEN TO THE PAST BRO WE JUST WATCHED TWO WHOLE MOVIES ABOUT IT. I guess he figured out a way to the cosmos and Celestial Park. Given how time works, I suppose he did travel into the future after all, though in a more mundane way.

8  This is inexcusable at this point. Building any place where people are going to gather, spend time, walk around, should consider the environmental conditions of the area. It’s not like this is the first theme park in Florida, it’s not exactly a surprise that Florida is hot and sunny. Wisconsin Dells figured this out decades ago.

Thanks for joining me, where I’m one of today’s lucky 10,000! I hope you enjoyed it. Here’s all the beehiiv stuff that is required to be here.